One time, in my work as a school-based SLP, I had a student I needed to screen. The team expected the screen to go smoothly, for this student to “pass” it with no issues, and for it to just be a general component to add to their overall evaluation process. So, they didn’t allow much time before the screen and results were due – not to be rude or inconsiderate, but because it seemed straight forward.  

But it turned out not to be. The student did not pass the screen and an evaluation was needed ASAP. And I could feel the dial of stress start to turn up a notch or five.

This could easily have gone one of two ways. 

It could have been an ongoing, growing source of stress, because it was not part of my plan and I had no room for this in my planned out schedule. If I held to my schedule strictly, all I would be able to see that I was in control, things would go the way the schedule said, and that I would not have room to do it. But, it would still have to get done, just with so much stress and pressure and guilt and surrounding it.

I could also try to loosen the reins a bit and remind myself that things do not have to stick to the schedule exactly – that a shift here or there will happen, and learn from it and do it differently next time (make sure there is always time in case both pieces are needed). 

The big difference here is not a laid back attitude, relaxed schedule, great place to work, or just rolling with it. It’s the way the control of the situation works.

One way is to control the situation in order to avoid stress, which leads to more work, more pressure, and more stress. In the other, it is about regaining control in order to not feel helpless, and to work through the stress and come out the other side with some new insights and tools. 

I see this so much with other SLPs, because I have seen it in myself. You try so hard to map it all out exactly (like your school based schedule) and then, when a small shift happens that is not in the plan, it adds more stress to the situation. So you go in and tweak it even more, perfect it just a bit further until it is “just right”, and then another thing happens and the stress grows and things get even harder, and you try to make the plan work even more. 

It is exhausting. 

When stress builds up, there is often one big player that shows up – control. Having control of a situation can make it so that you feel you are best prepared to face whatever shows up, that you are the one leading the situation, and that the outcome of it is up to you. This can leave you feeling way more settled, full of power, and, well, in control. It can also be the start of additional stress, and a spiral into what you are trying to avoid, because things rarely go *exactly* as planned. 

Having control can be great, and can help reduce stress, but controlling can be something that allows stress to build. They are very similar, but do complete opposite things when it comes to managing your stress. 

When you are controlling, you are forcing the outcome or a situation and expecting that it must go a certain way or it won’t be ok. This might look like planning out each speech therapy session precisely, leaving no wiggle room in your schedule (everything is down to the minute) and expecting that your day and life will go the way you say it will. It sounds good. It sounds like it would make things much less stressful. But it doesn’t. Instead, this often adds more pressure to keep everything going the way it is mapped out, and builds the stress you are so very much trying to control and keep from building. 

Controlling leaves no room for being human, for things to change, or for the perspective and plans of another person. 

Your students might not want to do the activity you have mapped out. They might need to stop to use the restroom or have some questions to ask you, which could take out some of the time from that detailed and rigid schedule that you mapped out. And, you might have someone stop by to talk to you about a student or you don’t feel like doing the lesson you have planned, or students are not available that day. 

Things happen, and the way you look at control can make all the difference. 

Here are questions to ask yourself to determine if you are in control or controlling your (SLP) stress:

1. Is there room for the unexpected?

One quick way to check is to see if there is room for the unexpected. Unexpected things could be a schedule change, a student who needs to be evaluated ASAP, a colleague needing to talk to you in the middle of the session, a student needing to use the restroom, OT/PT swapping days, etc. These are all parts of life in a workplace, especially a school, and are all part of being human. You can only plan and control so much, before you are micromanaging and not allowing for others perspectives, incorporating needs of others at times, and leaving room for being human and ever-changing. 
Having a little wiggle room, or knowing things do not have to be perfect each time, can leave room for the unexpected, which is absolutely expected. 

2. Are you avoiding stress by having control? 

There is no way to avoid stress or completely control it. There is no magic, crystal ball to tell you how everything will be laid out and what to expect from all of it. 

Controlling stress is often done to try to avoid experiencing it. If you can control the situation and get it exactly how you want and expect it to be, then you can avoid the stressful parts of it from happening. It sounds so good when you first think about it. But avoiding stress is not possible and leads to more controlling and more stress, and it never give you to the tools to manage it and reduce it

When you look at your stress and your day, are you doing things to avoid it from happening or to have a little say and understanding in how your day unfolds?

3. Is the control adding to your stress? 

If you are trying to work on stress, the worst thing is when you are feeling it grow more and more, despite doing more and more to make it stop. This is usually a huge red flag that you are controlling vs having some control. Having some control (say, knowing who your students are that day and what activity will be going on in the class at that time) lessens the stress by giving you a little foundation and ground to stand on vs controlling (only seeing these students form a specific time, no matter if they have other needs, and planning an activity that they will do, because it has to be done to meet the goals they way you want them to get done today) which keeps you in the stress loop in your body and brain and keeps you in a pass/fail mindset. 

If the control is adding to your stress, it is time to try something new. Look at what you absolutely need to do (it is way less than you probably think) and give yourself 1-2 things to get done that day, and plan a session with a little more wiggle room. Maybe choose 1 game for the week to use in all your sessions. Have the students help you decide on some activities. And know that it doesn’t have to be perfect or exact to help them reach their goals and to give you data to report as needed. 

I know it is all easier said than done. But just having some awareness of it, and realizing that the control might be more controlling than helpful can be the first step towards unwinding some of the stress and really learning how to manage it. 

Give this a try:

1. Take 10 minutes to work through these questions. Grab a journal and write them down, and explore the answers you come up with. Allow yourself to be honest – there is no grade or right/wrong, or better than. It is where you are and what you can do next.
2. When you’re ready, write down 3 swaps you can make to shift from controlling to having control. 
3. Add in 1 stress management tool to use that day – and make it flexible if needed. 

Want some tools to help you manage your stress? Check out the FREE resources in The Resilient SLP Toolbox. You can subscribe to this FREE resource and get access to yoga classes, meditation audios, and more. 

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Do you feel you are stressed from controlling your day, or less stress from having a little control? Share in the comments,

With Love and Light, 

Jessi