I was at my doctors office last year for a wellness check and they were going through a list of questions to update my profile. “Do you smoke?” “How often do you consume alcohol?” “Do you have any mental health concerns?”. I let them know that I didn’t have a concern per se, but I had reached out to schedule a therapy appointment because I was feeling some anxiety creep in due to a lot of life circumstances, and stress and grief building. She mentioned some resources and centers in the area that worked with mindfulness and we started talking about the importance of self-care, especially with overwhelm and stress. She mentioned that she had once been given some meditations to try for herself and for her child, and then we started talking about things like pedicures. And she said something like “That’s why pedicures and manicures are so great for self-care. They give you that little moment of time to pause and reset, with no other obligations or worries, even if it is a brief amount of time. It just feels nice and sometimes that is what you need – to feel nice and taken care of. So go get one, and don’t bring your kid – go alone.”.
It got me thinking of the different levels of self-care and things that people like to do when they are feeling stressed and overwhelmed. And wondering what the best type of self-care really is. I tend to poo-poo the ones that are more pampering – like bubble baths, manicures, and pedicures (honestly, I just don’t get the hype), and I go for the really involved ones, like meditation, movement, or deep internal check-ins. The heavy, tough stuff.
But recently, I have also started to see things like, reading a book, grabbing a cup of coffee, sitting in the sunshine, and socializing with my friends as forms of self-care. I’m not doing an internal check-in necessarily, but I am bringing balance into my day – quiet to balance chaos, outside to balance inside, coffee to pause when I’m on the go, a treat vs a sacrifice, or connecting after being home all day for a few years with two kids. And even other things like setting boundaries or saying “I’m not able to do that right now”, which is hard.
So, what is the best type of self-care then?
Self-care can seem really simple – do things you like and feel better after – but it is really more complicated than that.
Self-care can be things that you enjoy doing and that feel fun, freeing, and blissful. It can also be doing things that feel a little challenging, tough, or push your boundaries (such as creating those boundaries themselves). Neither one is right or wrong, and, in fact, it is helpful to have both styles of self-care in your life for a more well-rounded approach.
What are the two types of Self-Care?
The type of self-care that often feels good and is sometimes deemed as “frivolous” is referred to as superficial self-care. The name can be a bit misleading and lead to more of that “frivolous” labeling of it, when really it is a much needed reprieve from the stress you are facing. When you do something that is fun for you or feels nice – like finding quiet in a bubble bath or getting pampered with a pedicure – it gives you a moment to pause and not be in the stress. You get a break, which doesn’t necessarily so a major overhaul on your stress response, but it does give you a small break from the stress and give you something to feel good about and be grateful about. It helps you find some joy and some positive emotions and things in your life – and this can be really important for starting to turn down the stress response and shift you out of a negative stress cycle.
It isn’t superficial as in not good enough, but more superficial as in not going very deep. It is not going to create big fixes, but it can give you a small change and start to create bigger shifts, and bring in some joy.
The other types of self-care is the deep self-care. These are the things that do overhaul your stress response and are not necessarily comfortable or easy to do. Deep self-care cuts into the bigger, checking-in type of practices to help you see what is really going on, what is working or not, and what shifts you can make. It is definitely finding quiet after a really busy day, but also things like meditating or deep breathing to reset your nervous system and rewire the brains’ response to stress, moving your body to remove and reduce tension that builds up and holds onto stress, and writing it out to help you sort through and get it out of your head. It could also be setting up some boundaries and routines to help support you – even though those can come with growing pains of their own.
One is not better than the other, and both are useful, and needed, for managing stress through self-care.
Here are a few ways to look at superficial vs deep self-care:
Superficial: Ask yourself, “does it feel good?”
Things like: pedicures, manicures, reading a book (can be both), socializing, massage, podcast, bubble bath, quiet
Deep: Ask yourself, “what do I need right now?”
Things like: quiet (can be both), meditation, reflection, stretching, movement, boundaries, journal, check-in
If you have all superficial self-care, you might find that things are enjoyable, but not necessarily getting deep down to create shifts in your body, mind, and mindset. They might be more like shaking off the stress of the day and moving on.
If you have all deep self-care, you might feel so incredibly weighed down and burdened by all you are facing. This type can bring up a lot of emotions and put you in the middle of the stress (in order to move through it) and not feel light or fun.
Having a balance of sorts with both of these can be key. If you tend to stay superficial with the self-care, add in some deeper ones to help rewire your brain and body when stress shows up. If you are feeling really weighed down by self-care, add in something light and fun, so you feel that joy in your life and feel supported.
Which do you tend to lean towards? Share in the comments below or send me a DM on IG @jessiandricks
Want some resources to help you, no matter which self-care you decide to choose? Enter your email below to gain immediate access to “The Resilient SLP Toolbox”, a free resource library full of tools to help you manage stress, reduce the risk of burnout, and find more balance in your life in and out of being an SLP.
With love and light,
Jessi
