As a Stress Management Coach and Mindfulness and Yoga Teacher, I love sharing how positivity can help to manage stress and build resilience. It is one of the foundational tools. But what about when it becomes “toxic”? When does being positive turn into something known as Toxic Positivity?
Have you ever heard phrases such as “Good Vibes Only” or “Just be Happy?”. These are well-intentioned, motivational phrases that also fall under the genre of toxic positivity. For a long time, I kind of brushed this aside, because I had used them (I have a shirt that says “Choose Happiness” that I sometimes can’t bring myself to wear), and I loved learning about the wonderful effects of positivity on stress and the brain. But there are times when this positivity can go a step too far and become toxic, or potentially harmful.
When you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, it can feel like there is nothing going right in your life and in the world. Your brain will continue to look for stress, in order to protect you from it, and this can keep you feeling more and more stressed. Often, especially when dealing with perfectionism which is high in the field of Speech Language Pathology, this can make you feel like there is something wrong or that you are “incorrect” and have failed. And then the stress grows a little more.
One thing you are likely to notice when you are stressed, is the type of language and phrases people use to show support or to give you advice, and how these are often not helpful at all. You might hear, from mostly well-intentioned people, something along the lines of “look on the bright side” or “at least it’s not as bad as this…”. These could come from a co-worker, a boss, your parents, a neighbor, or even a good friend, trying to cheer you up. Heck, you might even hear it from yourself.
While these are meant to cheer you up, the truth is, these often have the opposite effect, leaving you more stressed, frustrated, and isolated.
There is this clip from a movie, where one of the characters is going through a hard time, so he calls him mom, and she tells him to “stay chipper”. She means well, but it does nothing to help him out or feel that he was seen and heard.
And this can happen a lot in our own lives.
You tell a friend that you are experiencing something really hard and are very stressed, and they tell you “just smile and feel better”. And it feels as if you are talking to a wall or that you must be wrong in being stressed (which you are not).
This can happen because instead of acknowledging how you feel and how much that stress must suck, or maybe even sharing that you are not alone and they have been there too (and then, “here is what helped me”), it just makes you feel that you are wrong and invalidates how you are feeling. Like you have a dirty little secret to hide.
The name for this is Toxic Positivity.
According to VeryWellMind, Toxic Positivity is defined as “…the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset.”. With toxic positivity, you ignore the growing stress and carry on as if everything is ok. You “just stay chipper”.
Toxic Positivity can lead to things like:
- shame
- guilt
- frustration
- isolation
- more stress and overwhelm
This doesn’t mean that being positive or optimistic is bad or wrong, but that, when it is made to ignore the stress you are facing and only see the good, that it is no longer helpful or a stress management tool.
The phrase “good vibes only” sums it up pretty nicely- only positive and no room for anything else.
Have you ever experienced Toxic Positivity in your life – from yourself or others? Share your experiences in the comments below.
With Love and Light (not Positive Vibes Only),
Jessi