toxic positivity vs positivity

Stress, especially in the SLP and Helping Professional world, is a common thing and something that you have probably struggled with a lot in the last two years, and just as possibly before that. Without finding ways to work through and manage the stress, it can shift to full-blown burnout. This is where having some tools to help really comes in handy. 

One of the biggest tools of Stress Management is the use of Positivity. It can help you to shift out of the negative thought spirals, reduce the stress you are feeling, and prevent it from coming back by building resiliency.

But it has to be real positivity to work. Otherwise, it can backfire.

Positivity is sometimes used to tell you to just keep smiling, cheer up, and that there is no use in feeling down. And when you’re stressed, among other times, it can be a really not so great thing. In fact, this “only seeing the positive ” and “maintaining a positive mindset at all times” is known as Toxic Positivity. 

This type of positivity forces you to only look at the good, constantly seek the blessings in disguise, and believe that everything happens for a good reason – even if it includes trauma and incredibly difficult circumstances. 

This is when positivity itself can become not-so-positive.

So, with so much stress and stressful moments, is there room for positivity? Is it even a good thing?

Yes, positivity itself is great. Toxic Positivity is just that – toxic.

According to the site VeryWellMind.com, Toxic positivity is the belief that “no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. … We all know that having a positive outlook on life is good for your mental well-being. The problem is that life isn’t always positive. We all deal with painful emotions and experiences”. 

This is not the same as “positivity”.

Positivity, by definition, is “the practice of being or tendency to be positive or optimistic in attitude”. It is more than just “being happy”. Positivity is being aware and mindful of the positive aspects and moments of your day and life to help cultivate more optimism, kindness, and positive outlook, while in turn decreasing the feelings of negativity, anxiety and chronic stress.

When it comes to Toxic Positivity vs Positivity, one focuses on ignoring, invalidating feelings and creating false reality, while the other focuses on the full picture and perspective.

Here is the thing, your brain is absolutely wired to find the negative and seek out the stress and potential stress around you. And this keeps you seeking more stress and fires up the alarm system in your stress response. That is why once you have one stressful thing, if you aren’t able to process it and move on, it can feel like things start to snowball and there are SO many stressful moments happening, without anything else. 

Toxic Positivity would tell you to stop with the negative and “cheer up!”. It’s not happening and there is no room for that in your life. And, while that sounds great, it absolutely makes you feel like you are “wrong” for feeling stressed. It also doesn’t do anything to address the stress you are feeling and facing, and help manage it. 

Positivity, on the other hand, allows you to notice the stress without ignoring it – because your brain is naturally doing that – AND it helps you to also notice the things that your brain is not focusing on – the good moments of your day, the pieces that are going well, and the things you can learn and use moving forward. 

One says failure isn’t an option and doesn’t happen, the other says I failed, it sucks, what can I learn from this for the next time. 

It’s like Toxic Positivity is “this, but…..” and Positivity is “Yes, and….”. Like, you are experiencing this stress, but look at the good that comes from it. Or, you are experiencing this stress, and look at what you can learn from it. One excludes the stress you are feeling, and one includes it with a way to move forward through it. 

Toxic positivity leaves no room for the feelings of negativity and stress. Positivity knows that you are already seeing and feeling the stress, and helps you see the other pieces as well. 

Toxic positivity is about ignoring the negative. Positivity is about the full picture. 

Here are some common phrases that show Toxic Positivity vs Positivity, one being more of a “toxic” positivity, and the other true positivity.

  • Good vibes only (toxic, because it doesn’t allow for other feelings) vs Good vibes (positive)
  • Everything happens for a reason (can be toxic, especially for trauma) vs How can I find purpose or meaning in this
  • Always look on the brightside (toxic, because it doesn’t allow for other feelings) vs What is going well (positive)
  • Failure is not an option (toxic because no room for other things) vs What can I learn from this (positive)
  • Smile!! Be happy!! (toxic, because, ew) vs Are you doing ok today? I’m here if you need anything. 

Where have you experienced toxic positivity when you are feeling stressed in your life? Sometimes it comes from others and sometimes it comes from our own inner voice and pressure. 

How can you start to make a shift in the language you use, to create true positivity, and lessen the toxic positivity?

Share in the comments below! Or send me an email at jessi@jessiandricks.com, or share in your IG stories and tag @jessiandricks 

For more tools that can help you to shift to the positive and reduce the stress you face, without negating how you feel, make sure to check out the upcoming SLP Stress Management Course. You can get on the waitlist to be the first to know when it opens for enrollment, and get some free resources to use in the meantime, by subscribing below. (I promise, I won’t ever spam you or share your details). 

And if you want more info on stress management, make sure to check out these CEU/CMH courses

With Love and Light, 

Jessi

toxic positivity

As a Stress Management Coach and Mindfulness and Yoga Teacher, I love sharing how positivity can help to manage stress and build resilience. It is one of the foundational tools. But what about when it becomes “toxic”? When does being positive turn into something known as Toxic Positivity?

Have you ever heard phrases such as “Good Vibes Only” or “Just be Happy?”. These are well-intentioned, motivational phrases that also fall under the genre of toxic positivity. For a long time, I kind of brushed this aside, because I had used them (I have a shirt that says “Choose Happiness” that I sometimes can’t bring myself to wear), and I loved learning about the wonderful effects of positivity on stress and the brain. But there are times when this positivity can go a step too far and become toxic, or potentially harmful.

When you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, it can feel like there is nothing going right in your life and in the world. Your brain will continue to look for stress, in order to protect you from it, and this can keep you feeling more and more stressed. Often, especially when dealing with perfectionism which is high in the field of Speech Language Pathology, this can make you feel like there is something wrong or that you are “incorrect” and have failed. And then the stress grows a little more.

One thing you are likely to notice when you are stressed, is the type of language and phrases people use to show support or to give you advice, and how these are often not helpful at all. You might hear, from mostly well-intentioned people, something along the lines of “look on the bright side” or “at least it’s not as bad as this…”. These could come from a co-worker, a boss, your parents, a neighbor, or even a good friend, trying to cheer you up. Heck, you might even hear it from yourself.

While these are meant to cheer you up, the truth is, these often have the opposite effect, leaving you more stressed, frustrated, and isolated.

There is this clip from a movie, where one of the characters is going through a hard time, so he calls him mom, and she tells him to “stay chipper”. She means well, but it does nothing to help him out or feel that he was seen and heard.

And this can happen a lot in our own lives.

You tell a friend that you are experiencing something really hard and are very stressed, and they tell you “just smile and feel better”. And it feels as if you are talking to a wall or that you must be wrong in being stressed (which you are not). 

This can happen because instead of acknowledging how you feel and how much that stress must suck, or maybe even sharing that you are not alone and they have been there too (and then, “here is what helped me”), it just makes you feel that you are wrong and invalidates how you are feeling. Like you have a dirty little secret to hide.

The name for this is Toxic Positivity.

According to VeryWellMind, Toxic Positivity is defined as “…the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset.”. With toxic positivity, you ignore the growing stress and carry on as if everything is ok. You “just stay chipper”.

Toxic Positivity can lead to things like:

  • shame
  • guilt
  • frustration
  • isolation
  • more stress and overwhelm

This doesn’t mean that being positive or optimistic is bad or wrong, but that, when it is made to ignore the stress you are facing and only see the good, that it is no longer helpful or a stress management tool.

The phrase “good vibes only” sums it up pretty nicely- only positive and no room for anything else. 

Have you ever experienced Toxic Positivity in your life – from yourself or others? Share your experiences in the comments below. 

With Love and Light (not Positive Vibes Only), 

Jessi

PS If you are looking to learn even more about Toxic Positivity, how it might be showing up in your own life and work, and how to use positivity to build resilience, without being toxic, join me for the March 2022 workshop “Toxic Positivity vs Positivity” in The Resilient SLP Monthly Workshop Series.

You can find more details and how to join this series here: Workshop

myths about mindfulness

Mindfulness is pretty mainstream these days. There are apps and shows. Your mom might call you up to chat about an article she read. You might even have your boss recommending mindfulness, even when it seems really impossible to do. Even with this, there are still a lot of misconceptions and myths when it comes to the term mindfulness. 

You may have heard someone talk about these, or you might have a thought pop up in your remind when you go to do a practice or read about one. Mindfulness can still seem kind of out there – some thoughts or comments bring up images of sitting on a mountaintop in silence or pockets full of various crystals. And some just think of someone sitting and meditating for 10 hours a day. (Hey – no offense, I do like some of these, but also find them not always realistic. Looking at you 10 hours a day). 

But it’s not necessarily this way. Mindfulness, by definition, is paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, and without judgment. With that being said, there are still a lot of misconceptions, and even myths about what mindfulness really is. 

Here are 5 myths about mindfulness and the truth behind them:

  • It’s too “woo” and new-aged
    • Mindfulness might seem like a new-age or “woo” thing that has to involve a lot of mystical concepts, card readings, crystals, and transcendence, but it absolutely doesn’t have to, and at its core is none of these.(FYI – I love playing around with a lot of these, and do not judge if you use these as a daily practice). And as far as being new-aged, while it might seem like this popped up as a mystical trend, mindfulness is based off of ancient practices rooted in yoga (5000 years old), Ayurveda, Hinduism and Buddhism – long before it became a “woo” and “new-aged” transcendental experience. Which brings me to…
  • It’s a religious practice
    • Sure, but only if you want it to be. While mindfulness and meditation may have come from practices that had religious roots, and many religions have mindful, meditative components (prayers, meditation, reflection, etc), mindfulness as we practice it is not religious based. It is a non-religious, science-backed practice that is designed to help you reduce the effects of stress and build resilience to them, by focusing, in the moment, and without judgment to how you are doing and what you are experiencing. Which leads to…
  • It’s doesn’t work and is not EBP (Evidence Based Practice)
    • This is an easy myth to fall into, and one you might hear a lot from naysayers, or even in the back of your mind. When it is not a tangible, physical practice that you can SEE the results of, it can be hard to know if it is working. I felt this way and wondered about this for a very long time, especially when I was a new SLP (with grad school drilling in the research part of EBP). Where is the research that shows it works?
    • Luckily, over the past decade and even more in the last few years, there has been more and more research to show that mindfulness practices help you to manage stress for the long-term and build resilience to it, so it doesn;t stick with you or take as long to recover from. 
  • It’s too easy/simple:
    • Ah, that’s the mind f*&^ of mindfulness. It is very simple and it is also very hard to do. And it’s even harder to put it into practice, in your day, consistently, in the real world. It’s like when you are working with a student or patient on a specific task and they know what to do and can tell you how to do it, but they just don’t put it into practice or know what to do when it’s time to actually do it. It’s like this – if it was so easy to do, it would already be part of your day. It takes some time and practice to start learning how to use mindfulness and how to make it consistent once you do. It is a process. 
  • It’s only meditation – nothing else
    • This one is a huge misunderstanding! Meditation is wonderful and a huge help for managing stress, and it is a mindfulness practice, but it is not the only mindfulness practice. Mindfulness can be used in any moment and with anything. Meditation is one of the most common and set ways to practice, but you could be mindful while doing the dishes or running or drinking your coffee or journaling, whatever it may be, if you are bringing awareness to it and observing what shows up. 
  • Bonus myth: It’s trendy.
    • This one is a bonus, because it’s not really a myth at all. Mindfulness, meditation, yoga, self-care, all of those are trendy right now. It’s not because they are a fad or a frivolous thing, but because they are so very needed with all that each of us continue to face and have more of each day. 

There you go – myths busted!

If you are looking to dive even deeper into mindfulness, join me in the upcoming workshop “What is Mindfulness” on February 24th, part of The Resilient SLP Monthly Workshop Series (you can also sign up for just this one workshop). 

You can find out more info here:  What is Mindfulness Workshop

Now that you have a few more insights into what mindfulness is and what it is not, I’d love to hear your thoughts: What myths about mindfulness have you heard? Leave a comment below, share on IG, or send me a message to jessi@jessiandricks.com

With Love and Light, 

Jessi

And if you are looking for some resources to get you started now, subscribe for more info and access to the SLP Toolbox resource library here:

building resilience

Stress is ongoing and ever-growing. There are tools you can use to manage it and help reduce it. And, while these are helpful and effective, they can also at times lead to feeling more overwhelmed and drained, the very things you are trying to work through, because you are so focused on the stress piece of the puzzle, micro-managing, always evaluating, and always focused on it.

If you shift your focus slightly, you can use these tools and strategies to not (micro)manage stress necessarily, but instead cultivate resilience around it. 

Resilience does not ignore the things that are really hard, seemingly impossible, and absolutely unfair. Instead it keeps you moving forward, not stuck in what is happening, but moving through it, feeling less overwhelmed and weighed down. It gives you hope and a way to take action. 

The APA defines resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress”. This could be with health, finances, relationships, small stress, major trauma, workplace requirements, all things out of your control, etc.

You feel it, you let it sink in, you maybe move forward or you let it all integrate to become a part of you, and then you move and grow from there. 

Resilience = Your Superpower when it comes to stress.

Before the pandemic, we were facing major stress in the SLP and Helping Profession workplaces, and it has only grown since then.

Even in an ideal world and workplace, stress would come along in some way. So if it its there and that is the reality of the situation (which sucks and is not how any of us thought our lives would go), this gives you a way to utilize it, move through it, learn from it, and come out the other side, a little easier each time. 

Resilience offers a way to work with that stress, not avoid or hyperfocus or micromanage it away. It does not mean you welcome it and are happy to receive it, or that you ignore the not-so-great feeling you have or experiences you face, or that you only see the brightside. It means that you can come back from the stressful moments easier, with less of them staying with you, with less feeling of being stuck in the stress with no way out. 

Here are a few things that building resilience can do for you:

  • Stop the constant managing of stress
    • Instead of constantly focusing on the stress you feel, how much it is growing or not, and if you can manage it a little more, resilience helps to not let the stress affect you as deeply, and continually work through it without your focus having to constantly be on it. 
  • Keep stress from growing
    • Resilience gives you tools to cut through the stress and move forward from it, without letting it continue to grow and overwhelm you. It allows you to build practices that reduce the stress response and shift out of negative thoughts and patterns. 
  • Help you build a foundation of (non-toxic) optimism
    • Resilience is rooted in positive psychology and the practice of noticing what is working, what you can learn, and noticing the positive aspects of your daily life. This helps to build true, non-toxic, optimism, which helps your brain to rewire the stress response. 
  • Help you come back from hard times easier
    • Resilience gives you the tools to notice how you are feeling in those tough and challenging moments, and then use the tools to move through it and come back faster, oftentimes stronger. It is not what you wish the stress on anyone, but that you use the experiences in it
  • Reduce the risk of chronic stress and burnout
    • Resilience helps to lessen how deeply you are affected and overwhelmed by stressors, and keeps them from continuing to grow and build, leading to chronic stress or burnout. 

Now that you have a little better understanding of what resilience is, you can start to bring more of it into your daily life.

What can resilience do for you? Share in the comments below.

If you want to learn even ore and dive deeper into this topic, make sure to check out the “Building Resilience” workshop, now available as a single workshop purchase until January 31st, or available at anytime with a membership to The Resilient SLP Monthly Workshop Series

In the Building Resilience workshop, you’ll:

  • Explore what resilience is and what it means
  • Learn why it is so important when working through stress
  • Look at ways to build resilience in your daily life
  • Practice some resilience building strategies
  • Make a plan for building your resilience

You can find out more details on the series and how to sign up here: The Resilient SLP

With Love and Light,

Jessi

practice mindfulness at work


Mindfulness is a key piece to managing stress and reducing your risk of burnout. It helps to rewire the pathways in your brain (meditation, specifically), reset your stress response, and shift your mindset and outlook. And, while there are practices that you may be using at home before and after work, you might be struggling with using mindfulness while at work. 

Like, how do you put these into practice within your daily routines and your daily work, beyond the start and end of your day?

Your breaks are far and few between, so cramming each moment with a mindful activity doesn’t always help with stress, and can sometimes make it worse (hand raised over here, because that;s what it did for me). It might seem kind of strange to stop in the middle of a session or your day to meditate for a few moments, because, well, it would be strange to do that. And taking a  pause to journal or deep breathe when a parent or caregiver walks in for a meeting may not be practical (although, those deep breaths can be subtle and undetectable if needed). So how can you actually practice mindfulness while in your work day?

The best way is to look at what you are already doing (whether you consider it to be a habit/schedule to keep or work on), and find ways to infuse it with a more mindful approach. Sounds a little abstract, right? Let’s solidify that a bit.

Here is How to Practice Mindfulness at Work:

  • Notice your autopilot
    • What moments in your day are you walking through without even thinking about them? Sometimes this can seem like a badge of honor. “I can do this in my sleep” type of a thought. And, you probably could. This can be incredibly mindless (opposite of mindful) though, and can lead to a disconnect between you and your work, and the people it serves, without meaning to. Think about being on autopilot for a meeting, report, or therapy session.
    • It most likely happens though in the in-between moments – walking to the mailroom/breakroom, going to get your next patient/student, getting out new materials, entering and leaving work. All of these moments can sometime breeze passed you without you even realizing, and can be an opportunity for you to be present and more mindful for them.
    • Instead of autopilot, recognize when it happens (that brings awareness), then feel your breath, notice your thoughts, and feel your feet on the ground. 
  • Mental Check-In: 
    • This can seem similar to the “auto-pilot”, but it’s not quite the same thing. A Mental Check-In is kind of like a break or pause, where you just stop to see how you’re doing and what you’re feeling. It seems kind of simple and almost silly, but it can be one of the biggest tools and things that you are not doing (because most of us aren;t taught to do it). 
    • A check-in helps you see where you are today, and what you can expect, realistically, so you don’t aim for perfection, feel frustrated, and berate yourself internally when you ”fail”. It gives you awareness of what is going on with you and for you that day, so you can use it to see how you’d show up and how things might affect you during your day.
    • And the bar NEVER has to be at 100% here.
    • You can take a moment during your day and just pause to ask yourself “How am I today?”. 
  • Find some quiet: 
    • It is so simple, but not done enough. Especially in the world of being an SLP or Helping Professional. You communicate and process things ALL DAY, which means that quiet rarely happens, either externally or internally. Taking a moment, even a minute, to just sit in silence can do so much to help you reset and recharge.
    • You can simply sit for a little while with some quiet (not even meditating, just sitting in silence), or try a few other things that are quiet – turn off the lights, breathe deeply, stretch, check-in with yourself, sip some water, meditate, etc.

This is not an exhaustive list by any means, and it can be the start to help you build to more as you grow. Make sure to take care of yourself where you can – move around a little so you don’t get stiff or tense (that can add to mental tension, too), hydrate, caffeinate if needed (and maybe rehydrate), eat something so you can think and feel better, and speak kindly to yourself.

Which mindfulness practice are you going to try? Share in the comments or post about it in your IG stories and tag me @jessiandricks , or send an email to jessi@jessiandricks.com to let me know how it is going.

Also, do you want to learn how you can become more resilient as an SLP? The Resilient SLP is now open for enrollment. You can find more details about this monthly workshop series, and snag some FREE resources, by subscribing here (it’s free and I promise not to spam you): The Resilient SLP Info.

With Love and Light, 

Jessi

small changes to create big shifts

Recently (solidly over the last 6 months) I started running again. A few times a week, I lug my 2 kids to a nearby trail, load up with snacks (them, not me), and plop them into the running stroller. I put on some music and we start down the trail, 2 miles in a loop. By the end, I am sweaty (even in 30 something degree F weather, and definitely when it’s 90+F) and feel tired but energized. 

It might sound not so fun, but we all really do have a fun time on our runs. 

The thing is, when I started, it was really, really hard to do. 

  • My knee hurt for a month or so the first time I started running again (back in March 2020, so I took a break until the Fall).
  • My feet hurt.
  • I had shin splints for a few weeks. 
  • My legs would ache when I started to run.
  • I would barely get through 2 miles.

Eventually, it started to get a little better – with the help of some new shoes and building up some strength. But, it could have also been really easy for me to feel defeated and not continue. I was running 2 miles, and feeling like I couldn’t go any further, when I used to be able to run half marathons. What was taking me nearly 30 minutes, and a lot of breaks, was something I used to be able to do in 20 minutes or less. 

It was incredibly frustrating at times, but it also gave me a place to work from. 

I could have been mad about a lot of things:

  • My pace was slower
  • My body felt heavier
  • My legs were achy
  • I couldn’t sprint without my legs hurting (and I LOVE sprinting right at the end)
  • I was taking breaks. So many breaks in so short of a time.
  • I was pushing nearly 70-80 lbs of kids and stroller

But I also remembered a few things:

  • It had been 6 years since I had a steady running practice
  • I had 2 kids since then
  • I lived in a place with hills, not Florida or the South Carolina Lowcountry
  • My shoes were really old, and my new shoes need to be broken in
  • I was, well, older…

If I expected myself to be able to get out and run 13.1 miles, or even 4 or 6 miles, then, yes, I was going to be disappointed. It was unrealistic. And, if I set my expectations, or goals, to reach this really big amount of mileage, say in the next month or even year, I might also be really disappointed, or, more likely, I would feel defeated and probably want to give up.

But…if I set my goal at the smaller point, and kept reassessing it as I progressed, I would not only have a lot of wins along the way, I would also increase the chances that I would in fact reach that goal and more.

And that changes EVERYTHING.

Now, I notice how much stronger I feel and how I can really push it to go further or faster. Some days I’m slow and some days I’m fast – especially with the stroller 80 lbs now). But I know that I am always, steadily and slowly, creating small changes and they have led to big shifts.

What does this mean for you? It’s not really about “running” at all. It’s about the goals. 

Setting a monstrous goal does not always work, even if that is where you want to go. It is better to set a small goal, or make a small shift, and continue to make small shifts on top of those, if you want to stay active in reaching those bigger goals. It’s what we do for our students and clients, but we forget to do for ourselves. The simpler the goal, and sometimes more scaled back, the easier it will be to reach and then keep building from there. You can aim for the big goal (say, “r” at the conversational level or running another half marathon), but you don’t reach for that yet. You start with the first steps (“r” in isolation, or running 1-2 miles without stopping), and then work towards mastering those. 

Instead of focusing on the big goal of being able to run the way I used to or to run another Half Marathon, I focused on increasing where I was. I could work towards 2 miles with no breaks, then maybe 3 or 4 miles, eventually 6, and continuing from there. 

This way, I am making realistic goals (like the ones we set for our own students and clients) and creating big shifts from there, instead of looking at where I am and where I wish I was, and not feeling like it could ever be possible.

When you are looking at your own goals, especially towards stress management, incorporating mindfulness, and/or personal development, you might be expecting it to be “fixed” and no longer an issuerightnow. Or at least within the next week or month, and then not have to worry about it anymore. Or not have stress still be prevalent. But it takes small changes first, built up over time, to create those big shifts, and to help those big shifts not be an overhaul that fails after a few weeks, but become a gradual part of your lifestyle. 

You need to find your starting point. Then, you move forward from there. 

Take a moment right now to work through some of these questions/prompts and create your starting point:

  • What is your main goal with your daily stress?
  • Where are you with it right now?
  • Is your main goal achievable and realistic for right now?
  • If not, how can you break it down to the smaller, but very important, starting place? Example: You want to meditate to manage your stress for 30 minutes a day. You currently have tried meditation once for 3 minutes on an app. Jumping into that HUGE goal would be a lot right now, and, most likely, not feasible. How can you break it down? Start with meditating for 3-5 minutes 3-5 days a week. Once that is solid and not even something you think much about, build it up (if you even need to or still want to).
  • What is your action step or plan to make it happen? From The example above: download a meditation app and figure out what time during the day will be consistent and easiest to start doing. 

You can go through these on your own in a journal or notebook, or you can download the guided “Small Changes to Create Big Shifts Workbook” available in the SLP Stress Management Shop.

For more resources, like FREE meditations and movement audios as well as exclusive discounts on courses, make sure to sign up for the FREE SLP Toolbox. A resource library full of tools to help you, as an SLP and human, reduce and manage your stress better. You can subscribe below.

What is your small shift? Leave it in the comments below to help share and solidify it!

Much Love, 

Jessi