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16Mar

Toxic Positivity vs Positivity for Stress Management

Posted by: Jessi Andricks Categories: Stress Management
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toxic positivity vs positivity

Stress, especially in the SLP and Helping Professional world, is a common thing and something that you have probably struggled with a lot in the last two years, and just as possibly before that. Without finding ways to work through and manage the stress, it can shift to full-blown burnout. This is where having some tools to help really comes in handy. 

One of the biggest tools of Stress Management is the use of Positivity. It can help you to shift out of the negative thought spirals, reduce the stress you are feeling, and prevent it from coming back by building resiliency.

But it has to be real positivity to work. Otherwise, it can backfire.

Positivity is sometimes used to tell you to just keep smiling, cheer up, and that there is no use in feeling down. And when you’re stressed, among other times, it can be a really not so great thing. In fact, this “only seeing the positive ” and “maintaining a positive mindset at all times” is known as Toxic Positivity. 

This type of positivity forces you to only look at the good, constantly seek the blessings in disguise, and believe that everything happens for a good reason – even if it includes trauma and incredibly difficult circumstances. 

This is when positivity itself can become not-so-positive.

So, with so much stress and stressful moments, is there room for positivity? Is it even a good thing?

Yes, positivity itself is great. Toxic Positivity is just that – toxic.

According to the site VeryWellMind.com, Toxic positivity is the belief that “no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. … We all know that having a positive outlook on life is good for your mental well-being. The problem is that life isn’t always positive. We all deal with painful emotions and experiences”. 

This is not the same as “positivity”.

Positivity, by definition, is “the practice of being or tendency to be positive or optimistic in attitude”. It is more than just “being happy”. Positivity is being aware and mindful of the positive aspects and moments of your day and life to help cultivate more optimism, kindness, and positive outlook, while in turn decreasing the feelings of negativity, anxiety and chronic stress.

When it comes to Toxic Positivity vs Positivity, one focuses on ignoring, invalidating feelings and creating false reality, while the other focuses on the full picture and perspective.

Here is the thing, your brain is absolutely wired to find the negative and seek out the stress and potential stress around you. And this keeps you seeking more stress and fires up the alarm system in your stress response. That is why once you have one stressful thing, if you aren’t able to process it and move on, it can feel like things start to snowball and there are SO many stressful moments happening, without anything else. 

Toxic Positivity would tell you to stop with the negative and “cheer up!”. It’s not happening and there is no room for that in your life. And, while that sounds great, it absolutely makes you feel like you are “wrong” for feeling stressed. It also doesn’t do anything to address the stress you are feeling and facing, and help manage it. 

Positivity, on the other hand, allows you to notice the stress without ignoring it – because your brain is naturally doing that – AND it helps you to also notice the things that your brain is not focusing on – the good moments of your day, the pieces that are going well, and the things you can learn and use moving forward. 

One says failure isn’t an option and doesn’t happen, the other says I failed, it sucks, what can I learn from this for the next time. 

It’s like Toxic Positivity is “this, but…..” and Positivity is “Yes, and….”. Like, you are experiencing this stress, but look at the good that comes from it. Or, you are experiencing this stress, and look at what you can learn from it. One excludes the stress you are feeling, and one includes it with a way to move forward through it. 

Toxic positivity leaves no room for the feelings of negativity and stress. Positivity knows that you are already seeing and feeling the stress, and helps you see the other pieces as well. 

Toxic positivity is about ignoring the negative. Positivity is about the full picture. 

Here are some common phrases that show Toxic Positivity vs Positivity, one being more of a “toxic” positivity, and the other true positivity.

  • Good vibes only (toxic, because it doesn’t allow for other feelings) vs Good vibes (positive)
  • Everything happens for a reason (can be toxic, especially for trauma) vs How can I find purpose or meaning in this
  • Always look on the brightside (toxic, because it doesn’t allow for other feelings) vs What is going well (positive)
  • Failure is not an option (toxic because no room for other things) vs What can I learn from this (positive)
  • Smile!! Be happy!! (toxic, because, ew) vs Are you doing ok today? I’m here if you need anything. 

Where have you experienced toxic positivity when you are feeling stressed in your life? Sometimes it comes from others and sometimes it comes from our own inner voice and pressure. 

How can you start to make a shift in the language you use, to create true positivity, and lessen the toxic positivity?

Share in the comments below! Or send me an email at jessi@jessiandricks.com, or share in your IG stories and tag @jessiandricks 

For more tools that can help you to shift to the positive and reduce the stress you face, without negating how you feel, make sure to check out the upcoming SLP Stress Management Course. You can get on the waitlist to be the first to know when it opens for enrollment, and get some free resources to use in the meantime, by subscribing below. (I promise, I won’t ever spam you or share your details). 

And if you want more info on stress management, make sure to check out these CEU/CMH courses. 

With Love and Light, 

Jessi

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3Mar

What is “Toxic Positivity”?

Posted by: Jessi Andricks Categories: Stress Management
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toxic positivity

As a Stress Management Coach and Mindfulness and Yoga Teacher, I love sharing how positivity can help to manage stress and build resilience. It is one of the foundational tools. But what about when it becomes “toxic”? When does being positive turn into something known as Toxic Positivity?

Have you ever heard phrases such as “Good Vibes Only” or “Just be Happy?”. These are well-intentioned, motivational phrases that also fall under the genre of toxic positivity. For a long time, I kind of brushed this aside, because I had used them (I have a shirt that says “Choose Happiness” that I sometimes can’t bring myself to wear), and I loved learning about the wonderful effects of positivity on stress and the brain. But there are times when this positivity can go a step too far and become toxic, or potentially harmful.

When you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, it can feel like there is nothing going right in your life and in the world. Your brain will continue to look for stress, in order to protect you from it, and this can keep you feeling more and more stressed. Often, especially when dealing with perfectionism which is high in the field of Speech Language Pathology, this can make you feel like there is something wrong or that you are “incorrect” and have failed. And then the stress grows a little more.

One thing you are likely to notice when you are stressed, is the type of language and phrases people use to show support or to give you advice, and how these are often not helpful at all. You might hear, from mostly well-intentioned people, something along the lines of “look on the bright side” or “at least it’s not as bad as this…”. These could come from a co-worker, a boss, your parents, a neighbor, or even a good friend, trying to cheer you up. Heck, you might even hear it from yourself.

While these are meant to cheer you up, the truth is, these often have the opposite effect, leaving you more stressed, frustrated, and isolated.

There is this clip from a movie, where one of the characters is going through a hard time, so he calls him mom, and she tells him to “stay chipper”. She means well, but it does nothing to help him out or feel that he was seen and heard.

And this can happen a lot in our own lives.

You tell a friend that you are experiencing something really hard and are very stressed, and they tell you “just smile and feel better”. And it feels as if you are talking to a wall or that you must be wrong in being stressed (which you are not). 

This can happen because instead of acknowledging how you feel and how much that stress must suck, or maybe even sharing that you are not alone and they have been there too (and then, “here is what helped me”), it just makes you feel that you are wrong and invalidates how you are feeling. Like you have a dirty little secret to hide.

The name for this is Toxic Positivity.

According to VeryWellMind, Toxic Positivity is defined as “…the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset.”. With toxic positivity, you ignore the growing stress and carry on as if everything is ok. You “just stay chipper”.

Toxic Positivity can lead to things like:

  • shame
  • guilt
  • frustration
  • isolation
  • more stress and overwhelm

This doesn’t mean that being positive or optimistic is bad or wrong, but that, when it is made to ignore the stress you are facing and only see the good, that it is no longer helpful or a stress management tool.

The phrase “good vibes only” sums it up pretty nicely- only positive and no room for anything else. 

Have you ever experienced Toxic Positivity in your life – from yourself or others? Share your experiences in the comments below. 

With Love and Light (not Positive Vibes Only), 

Jessi

PS If you are looking to learn even more about Toxic Positivity, how it might be showing up in your own life and work, and how to use positivity to build resilience, without being toxic, join me for the March 2022 workshop “Toxic Positivity vs Positivity” in The Resilient SLP Monthly Workshop Series.

You can find more details and how to join this series here: Workshop

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9Aug

5 Myths About Gratitude and Positivity

Posted by: Jessi Andricks Categories: Gratitude Stress Management Uncategorized
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myths about gratitude

Gratitude is not for the faint of heart, overly bubbly, or ignorers of the reality of life. Positivity, especially when there is a pandemic and a lot of resistance to cultural diversity and a ton of changes going on, can seem like a bit of a fluffy, syrupy, overly sweet and sentimental way to not validate someone, dismiss feelings, and ignore what is really going on. It can seem toxic, but it isn’t always so.

Gratitude, true gratitude and positivity, do not ignore the feelings and reality of the situation at hand. They accept it, without trying to change it. They also look at the bigger picture and pull in the pieces of the day, and your life, that are working, that are good and thriving (or simply surviving), and that shine a little brighter. They validate some of the good and positive feelings you are also experiencing, or may be missing from your day.

Here are some common myths and misconceptions that you might have, or may have heard, about gratitude and positivity.

5 Myths About Gratitude:

  • It is weak
    • Heck no. Having gratitude is hard. When your brain is reminding you of how much everything sucks, and you feel that there is nothing good or noteworthy from your day, and that the world is unfair and against you, it can be really, really difficult to shift into a mindset of gratitude. 
    • It is also not just some generational nonsense. Studies have shown that gratitude helps to build resiliency and strengthen your brain, which is tough stuff. So if anything, gratitude is strong and empowering, not weak. 
  • It is toxic
    • Not actual gratitude. Toxic Positivity (and Gratitude) is when you start to ignore or pretend that everything is ok, when it is absolutely not. This kind of thinking is when you turn everything into a good thing, even if , deep down, you are upset and it is a really bad thing. It is a dismissal, rather than an acceptance “AND” gratitude for other pieces. 
    • Actual gratitude is not ignoring the hard things or turning them into something good (again, there is a difference here between toxic and seeing what you learned from something). It is saying that both things exist, even when they are off balance. There are good pieces, sometimes small and minute ones, alongside the tougher, harder parts of life. 
  • It ignores the negative
    • Nope. It acknowledges this part, but your brain is already doing that too. You already know that you are upset, having a hard time and noticing all the things that are going wrong. Gratitude simply says “Hey! Those things suck and these things are also happening. Let’s acknowledge them, too”. 
    • It’s not ignoring the negative, but embracing the other parts. These are the parts that sometimes get pushed aside when there are other, more vocal, louder parts that want you to focus on them. But they are equally, if not more so, important to your well-being and for a full picture and perspective. 
  • It dismisses your feelings
    • Not at all! You are allowed to (and should) feel all your feelings. There really are no “good” or “bad” feelings, and even saying negative vs positive can be misleading. Feelings are feelings. 
    • Noticing more of the things you are grateful for simply shines a light on the things you might be overlooking or dismissing (unintentionally) as “not as important”, because they don’t need to be solved or resolved or “fixed”. Gratitude practices help you to not dismiss, but instead acknowledge all of your feelings. 
  • It doesn’t really do anything
    • Sometimes it sure can feel that way when you’re working on stuff that is not tangible, or when results take awhile to show. Gratitude does do something though and, in fact, it does quite a lot. 
      • Brain: trains it to look at positive, reduces stress
      • Body: reduces stress and stress response in the body as well
      • Mindset and Outlook: builds resiliency, looks at the positive and not just the negative
  • BONUS Myth: It is super trendy
    • Ok, this one is pretty true, but trendy isn’t always a bad thing. Gratitude is really trendy right now, but it is because it works. With an increase in studies and resources, gratitude is easier than ever to learn about, access and understand the benefits of. 
    • You can ignore the trendiness of it, and stick to a tried and true gratitude practice. That way, once the trends die down, you can continue to stick to your Gratitude Practice. 

Here’s the thing, your brain is wired to keep you alive. It is about surviving, not thriving. This part has to be trained and taught. Your brain is going to look for the negative and the things that are going all wrong, and dwell on them, to keep you safe, to alert you and to get you to possibly problem solve or automatically react (think fight, flight, or freeze). It is there to stress you out. Over and over again. It is not the enemy, more like a well-intentioned, over protective friend that creates more chaos and stress in your life. 

You have to train your brain to look at the things that are positive, and from there, you will thrive. 

Now that you know what might have been holding you back, you can start to infuse more of it into your day. 

Need some help getting started? Make sure to check out the gratitude meditations and journal templates in the SLP Toolbox, by subscribing below, or grab the printable (digital with a PDF app) journal “Gratitude Action Plan” available in the SLP Stress Management Shop.

What myth have you heard about gratitude? Share in the comments below!

Much love, 

Jessi

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